Why do I need this?

One of the most piercing questions I use when struggling with a relationship problem is, "Why do I need this in my life." This question sidesteps any questions of blame, making me fully accountable for my part in the equation. It puts the power in my hands and neutralizes any victim energy that I may be feeding off of.

It is important when asking questions like these, that we pay close attention to the very first thought that comes into our minds in response to the question. Sometimes it is just a fleeting whisper, something we may not be too eager to confront.

If we ignore that first thought, we might quickly and easily distract ourselves from the real issues that need to be addressed, buying ourselves more time to continue on the path of least resistance. This is not the path to take if we truly desire change!

Another way to get at the same information is to ask yourself, "What is my payoff for having this in my life?" Having the courage to face these sometimes troubling answers means you are ready for change.

Here are some examples of reasons why we sometimes 'need' unpleasant things in our relationships:

• It gives me someone to be mad at, or the right to be mad.
• It gives me someone to fix, then I feel important, or useful
• I'm motivated by having something negative to fight against ('I'll show them' kind of mentality)
• It gives me an excuse to be depressed, and mediocre in my choices
• It gives me something to complain about, and attention
• It gives me the punishment I deserve
• I like being broken because when others are 'fixing' me, I know I am loved

There are as many possible answers to the question as there are people and relationships. Finding the answers to the question, "Why do I need this in my life," is an essential first step to healing the relationship problem you are working on.

Once the answer to the question has been identified, what is the next step ? There are several possibilities. One or all of these may apply: 1. Find a healthy way to meet the need. 2. Forgive. 3. Accept and appreciate.

Find a Healthy Way to Meet the Need

If, for example, you are creating something unpleasant in your life so that you have something interesting to complain about to your friends, thus providing you with attention, find a healthy way to get that attention you are craving.

Add something positive, new and interesting to your life and start talking to your friends about it. Refuse to allow yourself the payoff any longer, simply stop talking to your friends about this problem. Write about it, talk to God about it, or if absolutely necessary, talk to a counselor about it, but don't continue the pattern of getting attention from friends for it.

Another example might be that you are getting a payoff for being 'broken' because you feel loved when others are 'fixing' you. If that is the case, find some new and healthy ways to receive love from the people around you. Most likely it's already there, you just need to open your eyes to it. But if not, visualize yourself in these relationships as peers, with give and take. Change the way things are. Release this need in your life to receive love in this manner. Learn to receive love in healthy ways.

Forgive

If you feel that your unfortunate experiences are just punishment for your perceived failures or shortcomings, it's time to forgive yourself. Use affirmations, visualizations, prayer, and meditation. Read all you can about the process of forgiveness. Learn to forgive.

The same applies if you are needing a reason to be mad, or the right to be mad. You've got someone to forgive. Who is it? Forgiveness is work, so get to it, it will heal your life. Creating more reasons to be mad will just take you in circles until you are ready to forgive and heal.

Accept

Sometimes we have allowed ourselves to become ungrateful for something we legitimately need in our lives that our significant other is providing for us. If we are a high energy person, frustrated with our spouse's 'laziness,' the answer to the question, "Why do I need this?" might be that we need someone to temper and calm us. We need to accept this and even appreciate it.

I remember being frustrated about my husband's lack of enthusiasm about the new ideas I was always chewing on and batting around. I felt alone and sorry for myself. Then I asked myself the question, "Why do I need this in my life?" The response was obvious and filled my heart with warmth.

I needed someone who kept his feet firmly on the ground, freeing me to explore every nook and cranny of the universe. I knew I'd always have my anchor to come back to, and the joy I experienced in my journey would not have been as complete if my husband had not provided this safe place for me.

I no longer complain about this aspect of his personality, I appreciate it. And, ironically, as I have come to accept and appreciate this about him, he has actually started getting a little more interested in all my thought journeys!

Asking the question, "Why do I need this in my life?" with rigorous self-honesty, is the first step in taking accountability for what we have participated in creating. Once we have done this, we are on the path to healing the problem.